Betrayed

feeling empty
with a broken heart
alone
with no where to start
no one to understand
why all the chaos has torn me apart
sent into turmoil
back to the state
where I am no ones for the taking
thought I could trust
thought I could confide
then I realized once again
there is to many people out there ready for sin
ready to try and deteriorate me from within
without a soul to see the pain it causes me
not a care from them
why do I sit here under discipline
they lie and play games
I sit here and hide
all because they put my name to shame
sick of defending
mending
fixing missing
forgiving but in the end
losing
what I thought to be friends
yet some how
because I am strong
some pride lingers and
I’ll say this before I say so long
when you need a true friend to help you
I will have already be gone
leaving you wishing
you wouldn’t have burned me
to the point where you
yourself
don’t know where you belong

Agony

Finally trying to breath
coming above, after being lost at sea
now trying to find me
Knowing what I want
but seeing less of what I was
this isn't the end
but losing every ounce of Love
craving touch, but going numb
craving to see, but loss of sight
trying to hear but sounds
of a throbbing heart triumph
the scent of a old soul breaks down on me
and all that surrounds is a tunnel
an endless tunnel of a soul
with nothing left to give
a soul who needlessly forgives
don't trust anyone
the bruises are to strong
don't care to much
for in a moment they will be gone
where oh where can I find myself within
this black hole keeps sucking me in
sorrow and sadness
torture and sin
as I always wake up with a smile again
wanting to curl up in a ball
so I cant hurt anyone,
and they cant hurt me,
but that wont happen
people notion against that call
trying to move on from a part of me
where I gave up
hoping that my future would guide me
but blood drains from my flesh
screams weep from my eyes
this Crystal body drowns me again
as I remember nothing can complete me
I myself cant accomplish this
for my younger soul has defeated me
And left me in ruins to grasp Agony

time

Everyone seems to be trying
trying to figure out why on the inside I am crying
They push, and I go further away,
The pry and I just sit back and watch
I dont want to open up to you
I'm sorry but right now,
I need to be lost,
I dont want to tell you good-bye
but please just give me some time
I'm screaming on the inside,
I dont want it to be seen
thats for a reason,
not to be mean,
Stop asking so many questions
you wont ever get your answer,
stop looking at me like that
I dont know if you will ever have that
I am sitting here right now
thinking its okay
its so unreal
I dont know even how I feel
So forgive me for this time
this space I am asking for
forgive me for my words
I really do mean well

Grandma!

I shed a tear
not because you are gone
or because i'll miss your laugh
your quarky little spunk
or the smile you always had on your face
not because i'll miss the twinkle in your eye
or the way you showed us all how strong you were
and could put up a heck of a fight
I cry today
not because I wont have anyone to ask me for my rings
at least not the way you did
anyone to be proud of me
the way you were
a grandmothers love is rare
one of a kind
and grandma i'm glad you were mine
I shed a tear
today because
i'm thankful for your time
because i've heard your laugh
and like to think i've inherited at least a little of that spunk
seen that smile that glisened with that twinkle you always had
was shown to be strong
and when to fight
I cry today for the feeling that my rings are some how apart of you
that you are proud of me
no matter what I do or where I go
physically you may be gone
but I know you will
watch over us
and my life is now blessed
with your constant guiding grace

Just to Tired

Sitting here Thinking,
Wondering, Needing,
Not understanding,
Why I'm here,
Where I'm headed,
Or what exactly it is I fear,
if it's the Blood Ridden scars,
or the Pale Blue bruises,
that wont disappear,
I guess the thought of losing again,
is really to clear,
The Vision of Hate,
The Pain of a Broken Heart,
is to Powerful,
I feel like I'm in a permanent state
of a horror film,
I don't know if I want to continue,
with every second that goes by,
I'm dying a little more,
I don't know if I have the courage,
to find out if I'm the lucky one to live,
or just another sad ending of a sad life,
A terrified strife,
Careless to believe,
to have thought,
to be horrified and distraught,
towards nothing but everything,
wanting hope,
wanting joy,
oh where,
oh where,
is anything but a lost soul,
that's been deployed,
tears stream like crystal gems,
down a soft smooth cheek,
creating a river,
that I will forever weep,
A rocky path of everything
but what's always put last,
sitting here now,
I wish I could,
but adding me to the crazy mess,
I hold on my own shoulder's
would create more issue's than desired,
and right now,
I'm just to tired!

What do you do?

What do you do
when you give up the on that means the most to you
what do you say
when the one you love
just walks away
you know he loves you too
and there is nothing you can do
what happens when you fall asleep
and you don't want to wake up unless he is right there with you
when all you want to is is hear his voice
when all you need is for him to just be near
you feel sick to your stomach knowing there there is nothing
nothing at all left to do
when you know right from wrong
and two soul mates being ripped apart
by stupid actions
choices made
regrets done
where do you go next
how do you move on
when everything is gone
when there is nothing left
what do you say!?
when he is the only one you dream about
think about
want in your life
each and everyday?!
what do you do?

FATE

I wake up
and want to see your face
I fall asleep
and want to listen to you breathe
I roll over
and want to feel your skin next to mine
how do I live without you here
How do I live without your soothing touch
I think of you all the time
I miss us so much
I miss your scent
Your adorable little laugh
The way I get lost in your brown eyes
and all our little inside jokes
that no one understands but us
I think about the one
and how she wouldn't want this
how she wouldn't want us apart
I think about how you and I have always had one heart
I wonder if you think the way I do
because I know you feel this way too
put us in the same room
and its inevitable that we find one another
we are drawn
and cant help how we feel
our LOVE is to REAL
I think about all the things
we are suppose to be
and wonder when Fate will bring you back to me?!

Forever Inevitably Yours!

Its almost here
the day most singles fear
the one where love is inevitable to see
where guys are suppose to show there true feelings
and yet it just saddens me
I know the person I would love to see
he makes me not care
about all the pain,
he makes it seem like we are the only two in the room
we are inevitably drawn to each other
can sense one another's presence
and for some reason
are not together
He makes my knees weak
my heart melt
my soul. is his
I could sit here and say
remember when
and remember how
but none of that matters now
Just the fact
I LOVE YOU
and am forever
inevitably
yours!

?

Frustrated at the thought
of someone trying to relay whats going on
they speak like they know
but know nothing at all
they talk like there living it
Like they understand how
everything works
how things on this earth turn
they think they know my story
yet only come around in my glory
they think I dont notice
but how do you not notice
when you see someone who is a stranger
saying that they are your friend
they hold there eyes of ruby red
and try hide behind them
thirsting for attention
why am I your obsession
I have done nothing
Im thinking its time for a recession
they smile and laugh
and act like they have so much class
I see right through, your hidden mask
and I'm ready to say kiss my ass
looking around
I fall to the ground
just to realize
Whats really going down!

I'm Just A Girl!

I'm just girl
that don't understand
Just one
who hates being me
If I could change
everything I turned out to be
don't you think I would
Don't you see
with out you

I am with out me
I'm just a girl
trying to be free
Sitting here contemplating
Do I move from the shadows
Do I sore above the bright shining stars
Should I believe
I may be
The best thing
that never happened to you
I'm just girl
in this big old world
Full of heart
And devastated
Because its tore apart
I'm just girl
that none of you know
hidden behind
a smile that glows
I'm just... a girl

Who's in Control

People always telling me
Where I have to be
Where I have to go
And who I have to be
I am getting sick of it all
tired enough not to even crawl
I cant do what everyone expects
I just want to be me
is that not enough
or do I still need your threats
you try to take away from who I am
yet I just want to be free from all this
Pain and Suffering
Everywhere I go
you all seem to throw it back in my face
I'm trying so hard
But feel I will never have my place
I cry alone
so you all don't see
everything that's eating away at me
I wont show you I am weak
Please note that
I am only as strong as a
heart filled person can be
I wish you wouldn't use me
I wish you wouldn't control me
I wish I had someone to trust
instead of someone to disown me
I will say to you in forgiveness
but I promise you I will not forget this!
You have caused me pain
but I am not heartless
Take what you will from me
But be good to the ones I love
because your already on my shit list:)
you may hurt me,

but them is another story!
so take what I have said
and take it in deep
because this is your only notice
you have no more chances with me
I am setting myself free

I love you sis!

Darling Girl I send you my blessing
I wish you all the best
and give you my love
You are my unbiological sister
None the less
so take care of yourself
Your better than all the rest
Remember to always be strong
and stand your ground
I need you here
I want you around
I love you sis
With you I am found!

I know I will mss this

I wish I could actually smile
instead of sitting here in denial
I wish I could go back
and redo things
just to figure out what I lack
I thought I would be enough
But I guess I wasn't
I am sorry that I cant help this
I am sorry I cant help you
I wish I had more of a clue
as what to do
I really care about you
I wish I could see
every image running through your mind
I wish I could understand more about
what your really feeling on the inside
I care about you
this everyone knows is true
I don't like it now
I hate it now
I just wish I knew
how...
how to help you
how to fix this
how things were before
I know I will miss this !

I wonder

Sitting here thinking
pondering
deleting
I don't get it
I'm scared I know this
I'm not running
just second guessing this
I know I want this
I know I don't want to change this
but its not my thoughts I second think
it's yours
Sometimes I think about you
and what if its just a game
that the player story is true
am I falling to hard for you
am I just setting myself up
to get screwed
my skin is cold
my eyes full of tears
I tremble with fear
I wonder how close is to close
how close to hold you near
I don't care I still love you
but is that what I really fear
You tell me you do too
But is me believe just being a fool
are you just addicted to me
I wonder why. if that's the case to be
where do I go
and how do I think this
when every moment with you
brings me complete and udder happiness

just to say

Its hard to describe
the things you do
with out you even noticing
how you make me feel
I look deep in your eyes for the answers
I know are there
yet I always seem to get lost
in your gorgeous stare
your voice melts me
your touch weakens me
how could I ever get angry with you near
the thought of losing you is now what I fear
I only wish I knew for sure
that this would never happen
but I don't,
so I dream of right now
and imagine what could be
I surround myself with the joy
and the happiness bursting from within me
Never would I have thought
one person could change my life
not the way you have anyway
you near me always makes things alright
my path clear
and my joy returned
I am no longer seeking

the answers from your eyes
I feel them when you kiss me
and hold me every night

For this I love you

People always said
They wanted me to smile
see my face light up with joy
to hear me laugh and not sound of sorrow
they wanted my cold sapphire blue opaque skin
to return to warmth and joy
They always told me someday
someday I would find my other half
and once again be filled with everything,
I thought I lacked
Never in a million years
would I of believed
Never in a coons age
would I have thought
Letting someone in
would be so easy
How could I not though
How could I fear
someone who only makes me smile
who's arms make me feel safe
who understands me
and accepts me
How could I not fall
for someone who keeps me smiling
for someone who once again
brings out the best in me
with never thinking
that giving another part of my heart
was possible
you opened me and showed me otherwise!

Your spell

the time spent with you
is like the the sunset
on a hot summer day
something so surreal
not many can portray
each time I hear your voice,
recieve a message, or just get cast, a wisp,
of your smell my imagination runs wild
and once again im under your spell